out in daylight, my potential

God, yesterday was exhausting. I came to visit family in Kansas, and... my family is huge. Just freaking huge, and now that everyone in my generation is starting to get married, it's just multiplying. Not all of them live close or came to visit, but enough of them... and absolutely none of them wanted to ask about my life or do much more than vaguely acknowledge my presence, because I am the weird disabled mentally ill lesbian and no one wants to be reminded of that.

...so yeah. I had to retreat to the guest room I'm staying in and sit in the dark for a few hours, took two anxiety pills that should have knocked me out if I weren't so wound up, and I'm still vaguely exhausted from it all and attempting to deal with it through excessive amounts of coffee.

Other than the lingering tiredness, though, today is much better. I only have to deal with my grandparents and my dad, who are just as introverted and disinclined to unnecessary conversation as I am, so we're all just existing in the same room not bothering each other and it is great.

And there's snow! Well, sleet, but as long as I don't have to leave the house, it's close enough. It's cold weather and frozen water falling from the sky, all of which I have missed, and will continue to appreciate unless it ends up delaying my flight out of here on Monday. We'll see.

Oh. Sure did... forget to post for a month and a half. Um. I'm not dead. And I will just update in bulletpoints, because it's easier that way.

• Visited my family in Cape Cod. Discovered I do not like Cape Cod. Or lobster. And I am kind of allergic to unacknowledged wealth and privilege and (in a more literal sense, thanks to my meds) excessive sunlight. But I didn't kill myself or my family, and did not have a freakout at any point, so I consider the trip a victory!
  
• Had to change meds because my insurance is made of crap. The antidepressant I was on was doing double duty for depression and chronic pain - the replacement antidepressant I got seems to be working fine, but the pain meds are A) not working as well and B) causing epic brainfog. Hopefully the brainfog will wear off and we can up the pain meds until they work, but blargh. I liked the drugs I had before, and I want them back.
  
• Finally gave in and made a tumblr: taibhsearachd. It is primarily MCU/Marvel 616 graphics and pictures of animals, with a smattering of things related to writing, and sometimes non-Marvel fandoms.
  
• Speaking of which, I may have developed a problem. As in a slight addiction. I HAVE ACQUIRED ALL THE COMICS AND AM WORKING MY WAY THROUGH THEM AND OH MY GOD SO MANY FEELINGS. Especially about Natasha Romanov and Rikki Barnes (...separately and in conjunction).
  
• I have a new computer, bought with (...several months early) birthday money. It is a desktop, her name is Antonia, and she is beautiful.
  
• Olivia continues to be an adorable terror. After a brief, terrifying period of growing like bamboo, I think she's finally slowed down. She's not done growing, but I no longer fear she's going to outgrow Ace by that much. We think she's probably part collie or corgi. It's all in the face, and the giant, giant ears.
  
• I has a whatawaytoburn for the month. It's pretty awesome. They are good at making coffee and giving backrubs and reminding me to eat. And being wonderful. :D

I don't even know how to start this post. "So I am intentionally turning my life upside down for reasons I'm not comfortable talking about. :D" ...yeah, that works.

Um... in summary, I'm hopefully, theoretically, at some point whenever I can figure out how the hell to manage it, moving out of the house and into an apartment of my own - probably in Syracuse, if I can manage it, because the cost of living is lower than in Ithaca. Mat and I are okay, I just need some space to myself and to take care of myself, and both of those are things I am never going to get here.

I have no fucking idea how I am going to do this in practice. I have no money of my own, I've never had a job in my life (and physically can't work any job that involves being on my feet), and I dropped out of school for mental health reasons and never managed to go back. And I've never lived by myself in my entire life, and I have no idea what I'm doing.

In short, I don't even know if I have any business trying to survive on my own. I feel like I'm going to fail miserably. I feel like this is going to crash and burn before I even leave the house.

But damn it, I am an adult. I deserve to live like one and be treated like one and be my own goddamn person. I want this so badly, even though it terrifies me.

I was going to lock this - mostly out of habit - but screw that. I switched journals so I could feel safe posting publicly again, and if my parents can find this to read it... I'm screwed already, and I'll probably know about it very soon.

My dad emailed me today. And as there was no weird passive aggressiveness this time, and as that really is my preferred method of communication with him, I probably should respond.

At the same time... there's a reason I'm avoiding my parents at the moment. It's because no matter what I say or do, they won't accept that I'm not okay. And then they make it worse. In their world, I quit school rather than being forced to be hospitalized and take a medical leave I didn't want with requirements for my return I couldn't possibly meet, and I haven't finished and sold any books yet because I am lazy and unmotivated, and I can't possibly be really sick or depressed, I am just an overdramatic hypochondriac who apparently enjoys wasting my life.

He asks how I am and I just don't know how to answer. Telling him the truth has never worked out well for me in the past, and I can't begin to understand why. I've been trying, especially this past few weeks, and I can't understand how a parent - both of them, actually - could look at me in this hole I can't climb out of, and not offer me a hand.

( I am processing. Depression and self-harm and suicidal ideation and shit behind the cut. )

I haven't tried to talk to them about my mental health since. I don't like to talk to anyone about it anymore, out of this fear they're going to do something horrible to me and then pretend nothing was ever wrong, and I can't believe I am making this post at all, to be honest. I will probably regret it before very long.

But I still don't know how to respond to that email. I don't trust enough to tell the truth, and I'm too angry for a lie. Am I okay? No. Not even a little bit, and maybe it's not his fault, but he could have offered me a hand years ago and never did.